Winds of Change

My mind always enters an odd state during the 7th week of my college semester. Its a period where I question myself about the paths I have chosen, hoping to find out if I was on the right track or yet another dead end.

Nearly two years ago I made a quick career altering decision of leaving engineering and switching to multimedia design. Today, I finally admit that I made that decision in haste. If I had just studied a little bit more and was patient for another 3 months, I would have at least had a degree in Biomedical Engineering. The excuse I gave at that time, and still stick with it is that once I did my internship, I realized the job prospects and was not pleased.

That really wasn't the case. As it turns out, somewhere in between I realized that I like designing the machines, not creating them.... getting me?
Kinda like, if I was given a contract to make a building, I would map out the blueprints to a fantastic post-modern structure. But that's where I get off. Let the architect build it, my job was to design.

I guess that's one of the reasons why I joined multimedia...it was all about design...or so I thought.
Nearly two years have gone by, out of which the past nine months have been one of severe boredom. I have been stuck using the same softwares, creating the same kind of mundane projects over and over.
For maya, first there was a room, then there was a character and now there is another character which shall be animated(hopefully).
Flash, make a music website, make a creative website, make games to put on website...

On and on, no change whatsoever.
At the end of April I am going to get my diploma hopefully, have to check college schedules, they have messed up certain things. But by end of april 2010, I get a diploma, and if all goes well, by June 2011 I get a degree.

Sounds simple enough but all I am seeing is I have to wait another year and a half. Another 18 months without change. How is it possible that I have run out of ideas before I even began working? Are all careers like this? Isn't there anything that you could do because you like it and because it feels new every week, if not every day.

Next semester is my major project. I shudder to think how I will handle doing just one project over the course of three months. Three months doing just one thing!!
These are the times when I see "alternatives" in my mind.

The past few days, I had an odd fascination with beginning to write murder mysteries. Become a crime fiction writer. Doesn't seem too hard. I am not aiming for any prize-winning best seller anyway, just a simple thriller that would keep the reader riveted until the end of the story. Got this idea from digging through my past, the ancient blogs I had at Indiatimes.
But how many novels before it gets monotonous? Sure, I could try different genres, but again, how many genres before writing novels just gets boring.

Anyway, skipping to a new field isn't an option anymore. I could try branching out later, but currently am stuck in this hell hole of design.

Ironically the one thing that has surprisingly not become dull yet is photography. I must have gone to the botanic gardens, the zoo, sentosa, nature reserves...dozens of times, and still not tired with the images I capture. Every outing leads to new images. Plus, I get to travel, I get to move around outdoors, that's always fun.

Photography as a career? Unfortunately the only kind of photos that hold any real value are the commercial ones and...once again, working in a studio just aggravates me to no end. I never understood the concept of a studio anyway. You control the subject, you control the lights, and you control the background. Whats the point in that? Its completely artificial. Add to that some photographers who rant about their pictures not being good in a studio and I just blow my lid off.

I mean honestly, when you are in control of everything from lighting to position of the subject and you still get bad shots, then you should just sell your camera.


One of my friends recommended "Nature photography" for me. That would be fun, I have been sending my pictures to the National Geographic for months now, hoping one will get selected...my brief 15 seconds of fame. So far no callbacks.


I have realized one thing at least...have figured out where I stand. Two kinds of roads lie ahead.

One leads to a lot of money at the cost of variety...a job where I am confined to either teaching a class year after year or working and eventually owning a design firm where I have to listen to the client's idiotic criterias for making a website/animation/logo/poster/brochure etc or stuck in a photo studio taking commecial shots of products, fashion accessories and models.

The other road is a little clouded, can't see very clearly through the other side, but it could lead to a lot of travel photography, breaking into the world of novels, jotting down my memoirs and creating fiction stories on the side. A "fantasy" life, with a very unstable financial ladder.

The irony is, logically I could take the second road after I retire too. Writing novels can be done any point in my life, and traveling...well I know I am not in the best shape but I doubt I will deteriorate that much to not see the world. Why is it that when you know the right decision, its always the wrong one that seems more tempting.

Many of you are probably thinking that if I am so bored then I should come up with my own projects to stimulate my creativity.
Yeaaaa...tried that. Didn't work. Apparently, I am still a kid in certain aspects, and need to be TOLD to do something otherwise I don't really see the point in doing it.

Soooo, telling me to come up with project ideas, no use...but giving me a theme and telling me to come up with project ideas...well that narrows my options...that gives me a rough picture.
Its like, suppose the theme is horror. Then my mind wanders around with a rough idea of showing a dead body. It will put the dead body in various places, bathtub, tree, fire escape, washing machine, garbage bag, on the street etc.
Slowly slowly the picture will become clearer and I will finally create an empty alleyway, with a body in the center, just below the streetlamp so its lighted up, blood trickling down the street, and in the darkness, the shadows, two evil red eyes glowing ominously and a deformed hand with sharp claws partially seen from the shadows.

See... that works well. But if I don't get the "horror" theme from someone, I pretty much spend my day cracking my knuckles, lying in bed, yawning a lot, watching my laptop defragment my drives for the 4th time and counting how many minutes of inactivity it takes for me to fall asleep.


All the creativity one could ask for, and no means to channel it out. Stuck doing some menial flash games or boring characters or title sequences or...oh this one is hilarious, designing a hospital database...a WORKING hospital database, complete with website and coding with PHP and SQL.
How does that have any connection with design?


Sigh...even my personal life is not spared. Apparently when things hit rock bottom, they do in every aspect of your life. Why does everything eventually become routine? Is there anything at all that keeps churning variety periodically? Change is inevitable, its easier to get accustomed to it rather than fight it. Though oddly enough, I wish there wasn't any change in my personal life. A little bit of twisted fate there, getting variety in the one place where I was comfortable with the stability.


My time here is nearing its end. I have to go back to my mundane world of design, churn out some textures for my character and tweak the code of a butterfly catching gane so it appears that the player is catching bats instead(halloween theme).

Back to the same old rut, sitting idly, waiting for them to come once more, waiting to feel their freshness, their thrill of the "new"...the winds of change.

Masking reality

(ok so the post started out whiny... I didn't want that. I had planned a funny post. You know how things are, one minute you have a good idea, then you watch something depressing on TV and your mood changes...somehow few paras before ending, I got back to the post I wanted to write in the first place. Sooo...just persevere and read ahead)



Everyone wears a mask. Admit it, everyone does...even you my precious readers.
I am not talking about the ones you get in shops, oh no no...this is a different kind of mask...it changes your persona completely.

For instance, lately when I go to college, I have a look of constant stress and tiredness. This isn't only during mondays nor is it only during nights where I am constantly awake. Assignment ideas keep hovering over my mind.
Or another mask, where I am talking with my family and friends and ramble endlessly having fun, cracking silly jokes.

See... the problem begins when you don't realize if you are concealing yourself behind a mask or not. Which one is real? Stressed or happy? Can't be both.


I am slowly sinking back into the pool of indifference. My work has reached a point where its no longer entertaining. It was bound to happen given all the dull projects I keep getting assigned.
Lets see...


Gotta make 3 flash games, even though the professor clearly said he won't teach everything and we should just get the source code from a tutorial or a file and modify the graphics.
Have to make a movie title sequence, which, once again..have to get tutorials or files and just modify for the same reasons.

Yet another character modeling for maya, so wonderful when nearly half the class does pathetic baby cartoon models while the other half "borrows" the models online and then work backwards, demodeling the final version so they can show the professor the "steps" they used to "create" the model from scratch. And that works.

I have no clue what's going on in programming, and I don't even care. It just isn't inspiring when your professor tells you how exciting programming is and how you can make so much money, when the professor himself, who works as a programmer, has to teach part time to earn cash.

And lastly, there is report writing. Quite frankly, the dullest lecture I can ever sit in. It outranks other subjects by dullness simply because we are not allowed to use our laptops in class. At least with our laptops I could ramble on facebook or look at tutorials and stuff.
I will say this...the one thing I like about report writing...it brings out the words I learned from GRE. I get so thrilled when the guy next to me asks, "hey, whats the meaning of authoritative"

Its a confidence booster knowing that you are surrounded by morons. Of course, the confidence is short lived because you suddenly realize, that you are surrounded by morons.

I mean come on...take a fricking clue.. authoritative... what does it sound like? Something related to authority perhaps? And what is authority? Honestly if you don't know that much then I would be very surprised how that guy managed to come so far.

...

God that gave me a headache again.

My mind is currently annoyed. It is throwing tantrums like you won't believe. It wants some excitement. For godsakes, give me a challenge at least. I hate doing assignments which I can simply rip off from the internet and modify them and submit. Yea yea I know what you are saying, "then why do it?". Simple answer...because I can...because it makes no difference at all...because it works...

Frankly, the last thing I remember doing on my own was...ages ago. And I mean completely on my own. From scratch. No tutorials, no external codes...nothing. Just a blank document which I filled up with beautiful typography.

Rest of the times...bah. Take a couple of pictures, cut them out like a collage, grab the flash code given by the professor, modify it and viola, linkin park cd application. Oh oh...take a couple of cartoons of Indian gods, take the same code from the previous project, modify it a bit. Add indian colors, intricate backgrounds, viola, interactive website on Indian gods.

I will try to upload them soon... I definitely want to show them here. Specially the indian one. Its hilarious. I just have to change my blog template for that. Size won't fit here.

I took a break from college today. Bunked it. The repercussions will be awful but was it worth it?
Welll...I bunked because I have to make a presentation tomorrow on a topic, "what efforts were taken by the singapore government to solve the declining fertility rate in the country". That's not all. My "reliable" hard drive crashed, and along with it, went 200 gb worth of movies, 90 gb worth of college related files, 10gb of music, and 20gb of miscellaneous things that I can't even recall. Also, I found these great links which have readymade aftereffects files... some are just random effects, some are stock video clips, and some are...*evil laugh* complete title intros.

So I took a break. What did it accomplish? Well... since my hard drive refuses to get recognized and every time I plug it in all it asks is if I want to format, I downloaded a data recovery software and spent the last 20 hours trying to salvage my info, 20 and counting...
So far I have gotten back around...40gb worth of college files. This is painfully slow.

Downloaded lots of aftereffects files, but haven't yet checked to see if they are working or not.

And far as my presentation is concerned...well here I am sitting in my room for the past 20 hours and I am still stuck on the first line. "population growth is a worldwide crisis"
The fact that I am beginning to enjoy Desperate Housewives is nerve wracking.


See I have a solution to my problems, a simple way to make it crystal clear that the mask I wear shows stress and the happiness I show is real. I need a girl.
Oh not just any girl.
I need my girl.

The girl who would ruffle my hair when I am just sitting on my bed, or who would argue with me and tell me to work, and when I reply with a whiny "I don't wanna" she would pull my ear hard and say in a stern tone, "you better"
See I know I have to work. It just makes it easier when there is a purpose. Getting good grades, avoiding the chance of failing...pfft... not purposeful enough. But a girl says "you do it because I tell you to"...seems to have so much more meaning.

My little man brain says, "Oh..she wants me to do it. I better do it or I will upset her. And if I upset her I don't get to play. And I like to play. Every man on the planet likes to play."

See man brains are different from woman brains. They really are.
I'll give you an example.

Lets say its a beautiful warm sunny day. A woman will go out all happy and cheery and when she meets someone, she will say, "Its a nice day, isn't it?" See. That's how women are. They will frame the sentence in a way that the other person responds and then she says something and they continue chatting. Women love to chat.

Same scenario for a guy...he will say, "its a nice day". Period. That's it. He knows its a nice day, thus he says it matter-of-factly.

Men are more informative. All our conversations are usually informative. This is how guys talk...
"How does that girl look?"
"Oh she looks hot."
" What about that girl?"
"Oh her...she's nice."
" Isn't this class the worst?"
" Oh yea, definitely. Horrible. Flies are more interesting than this class"
" What are we having for lunch?"
" Sandwiches I guess"
" Lets go for burgers"
" Yea sure, thats cool too"

See, there is no major 'emotional' attachment. Its plainly informative. We just do the absolute minimum that is required. We don't even think. You see random guys sitting quietly on a bench in the park. Women think they are thinking something, we aren't. We are just sitting in the park, looking at stuff, probably looking at women. If a woman walks by, that will stir up some brain cells and we will pop out a thought or two, mostly evaluating her looks and checking our ego to see if we can get a woman like her or not.
We have the wonderful ability to go without thinking for extended periods of time. I once sat in my chair in the balcony, and thought nothing for 20 minutes until a bird flew into the neighbor's antenna....then I quickly rushed to get my camera but I was too late.

Basically, when women ask, what are you thinking...it sends our poor brains into a frenzy. We were just lying on the sofa comfortably watching the fish swimming in the little fishbowl. Suddenly we have to activate all our braincells and figure out an answer that will satisfy you. An experienced man will tell you that whatever answer you pick, make sure its related to something pleasant about her. Because eventually, women just want to know that you were thinking of her.

Honestly though girls, when we think of you, we tell you. We will call you up, chat with you as much as we can, hold you, kiss your cheek...you know where I am going with this.

Men are informative, its how we are and how we will always be.

Women aren't. Women are emotional. Women use and study body posture. They look at the facial expressions and listen to the tone of the voice. That's why they usually know when men are lying. Men listen to content. Women, tone. Remember this when the next time you couples out there fight. The poor man is waiting for you to tell him what's wrong, while the woman is sobbing uncontrollably and yelling that why can't he figure out for himself.
Our poor brains aren't programmed for that. We can't figure out the problem from the tone of your voice or from your body language. We are waiting for you to tell us what we did so we can fix it.

We aren't being insensitive. We just need to be told. Its how life is supposed to be.
They just have to compromise eventually. A woman has to understand that things have to be spelled out for her man most of the time, and the man has to learn to listen to the tone she speaks in to find some hidden emotion. Considering the hundreds of emotions that she has, at least learn to identify 10 of them.

So in a nutshell...life would be a lot easier if I had a girl I can pamper...a girl who would just tell me what to do so it makes sense to do it... a girl who would listen to me whine about the projects, knowing that most of the times I am not looking for help...I just want to let the whining out so I can start thinking. See that's another thing...our memory storage capacity isn't too much. We basically store stuff for a while and the shift it to an external storage and give it to you. So when you remember a "special" day that we forgot...its only because you have that memory and we are waiting for you to give it to us.

Again, like I said...compromise... man will remember the birthday, and two anniversaries...pick any two. Marriage, first kiss, first time in bed, first time you fed each other, first time you danced...the list goes on and on and on. There are many many anniversaries.
We will remember the top three. If you want gifts and to have a special moment on other anniversaries, inform the man at least three days in advance. Just because the poor guy forgot the date doesn't mean he forgot the moment.


Ooook...I am tired of this now. Its high time I start on my report. I really don't want to...but it seems I don't have a choice. Not because a girl told me to...but because I will fail if I don't...and while that isn't really important... the $1000 fee for retaking a subject does matter a lot.

Just have to bear it out. November has already started. Just 44 days more till this semester ends...and finally I will have some peace. And after that, ha ha...no college. Internship...finally some excitement.


But for now, I am going to put my "stressed" mask on and get back to work.

Wednesday Morning Disaster

Spent last night staying up and preparing a research proposal for a report that I will debate upon for the next two months.
As a result I tired to the point where the blinking of my eyes pauses for around 20-30 seconds.
I do have the presentation prepared however I have no clue on what to speak about...so am continuously repeating my speech in my head, over and over and over and over because I know I have to somehow stretch 5 slides worth of information to at least 7 minutes.

Finally I decide to come to college and open the door to my class room only to realize its empty. Oh no no, class isn't canceled...no one has showed up just yet. Crosschecked the time to see if I am just half our early or an hour and half early. Nope, just 25 minutes left for class to begin.

Two students appear, two hot girls. Thats odd. There are no hot girls in my batch, nor in the VC (visual comm) batch for that matter.
Then the professor comes in, looks at me in a weird way, asks me if I am in the right class. I say yea, this is ARCS right?
His response?

No kid, this is Fashion Design. ARCS is at 2 pm.

STUPID BLOODY @#$@#!% TIME TABLE.

So I got up to leave, and just before exiting I let out a sigh and told him that I don't have a team for this subject and he replied by saying not to worry and he will "put" me in a team. Great. Fantastic. Why can't I do it alone...why why why.

I spent hours on researching this topic, its a nice topic... it shows that the "proud" singapore government which allegedly "mocks" our country for being so chaotic, is nothing more than an authoritarian bully. Now I have to "discuss" between me and my 'yet-to-be-named' teammate about whether to pick the beautiful controversial topic which is, in general, not allowed to be spoken of, or pick whatever mindless dull droning topic that he or she picked out.

No there is very little chance of there being a topic more interesting than this.

I have chosen censorship in singapore. Apparently, the press here is ruled with an iron fist. Those who speak or question the government are fined, jailed without trial or worse. And you know me...I love speaking things that are "forbidden".
You all know the forbidden topics in our societies.

And quite frankly, the only...ONLY things that can top this is,
legalization of same sex marriages,
creationism vs evolution : the never ending debate between god and darwin, or
Racism in singapore. Its not as harmonious as people think.

The reason why I didn't pick these is because...
first one has been done to death, there is info everywhere about this. Though it does have that one crippling point that I am fascinated with. The singapore penal code is a mirror of the Indian code, and while India legalized same sex marriages, singapore hasn't. In fact there is an added line which specifically targets gays. Sooo mucn fun when a "chaotic" country like india one-ups singapore.

Second one, you can go back in my archives and read all the posts I have talked about this "god". I have received hate mail, gotten critiques for being insensitive and blah blah...whatever. I don't believe in religion. Plain and simple. So this topic will be biased for me. Darwin rules!

Racism, its a little risky here. Also there might be some bias considering that technically the majority of people who claim singapore isn't racist are usually chinese singaporeans. Ask the indians and the malays here and most of the middle class play a different tune.

I can't think of anything more worthwhile than these topics. It will be a miracle if someone can come up with something more interesting than this. Mind you, I am restricting the topic area to Singapore. Its such a pussified country. Nothing exciting happens here. No controversies, no debates...yea yea its peaceful, bloody annoying. Have some conflicts so we can debate a little.

That could be a topic... the pussification of singapore by its authoritarian government, which technically is too general and when you narrow the topic down, one of its branches come to...censorship.


10.30 am, sitting outside the class, in the hallway leading to the teacher's staffroom. Wish this class was on the usual second floor...they have a sofa there. And a vending machine. I am tired and hungry. Too hungry to sleep peacefully, too tired to go down and buy something.

Wednesday, great damn day.

Teamwork sucks

It really isn't for everybody. Colleges should stop promoting it now, its damn irritating. My first year was fantastic. Lovely projects, all solo assignments... my creativity was overflowing.
Ever since the second year I have been having a horrid dry spell.

Why teamwork sucks?

1. Credit is shared by the team. So basically, 'my' idea becomes 'our' idea, 'my' posters become 'our' posters, and 'my' grades become 'our' grades.

2. When you work alone, and you screw up, you have yourself to blame...but when you are working in the team, it's always the other person's fault....Always. Na...tut tut..no arguing with me...its ALWAYS their fault.

3. For a team to function properly, you need good teammates. That doesn't work when the members can't either speak properly, or are too lazy or too stupid or just plain 'shut-up-or-I-will-smash-you-with-your-laptop' annoying.

4. Specifically for me, teamwork will suck because I have this particular frame of mind...I am right. Whatever the argument may be, I am right. Its not an ego issue. Simply because I cared enough to argue means I know what I am talking about. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered responding in the first place. I am not always right of course, say for instance, if a professor asks me to do something in a specific way, but I take a different approach...he could tell me I was wrong and I will accept it as long has he gives a valid reason.
So basically, in teamwork, when I pick the topic, I am justified in choosing it because that is either a 'hot' topic, or an 'interesting' topic or something the audience will connect to. Quite simply put, if I say XYZ is our topic...thats it. End of discussion.
But to be fair I do give everyone a chance to give out their ideas too. One chance to entice my mind to whatever issue they may have chosen. My mind has rarely switched over to other people's topics.


5. Similar to the 'I am right' issue, there is also the 'I am good' issue. Again, not an ego thing, this simply means, "Look at my work, that's pretty good." At this point, criticism isn't allowed, by anyone, even the professor. Once more for clarification, this isn't an ego driven statement. Do you know how much I criticize and dislike my own work. Nearly every piece of my submission is dissected into various points, and each point getting more vague than the next...
I don't like the font type, its too small and irregular.
The background image could use some more post processing.
This color sucks
This design sucks
I need some "oomph" in this design.

All in all, I always come up with something that meets or exceeds the professor's expectations...but never mine. So in the rare event that the latter does ring true, I do stand up proudly and tell the world, "wow..I am good".



In general, people should figure out by now, that when I actually bother giving a crap about something, I know what I am talking about.
Why have you never seen me talk about America's war with Iraq or Obama being president or the Great Recession all around the globe? Simple...I don't care. It doesn't interest me, and as such I have no clue about what's going on, which is just how I prefer it.
I still hear people trying to lure me into discussing the financial collapse. Pfft...
checklist.
1. Do I have food on my table? Yes.
2. Do I have clothes? Yes
3. Do I have a bed to sleep in? Yes.
4. Do I have a good bathroom? Yes
All right then, not interested in the global financial problems. Watching the white tiger at the zoo for 4 hours is much more stimulating than listening to the global news. Going to the library and once again scanning the entire arts and film section in hopes of seeing a new book is more interesting...cataloging all my pictures into various categories is more interesting.. you get my point?

I thought of one more :P
"Hours of pondering whether to have tomato soup or sweet corn soup is more interesting than listening to global issues"


For those who are wondering, yes I am a misanthrope. Not a cynic, a Misanthrope. There is a difference. Cynics hate everyone. Misanthropes will care if they like the person. They hate everyone in general except for the people they will choose to hang out with.

Ooook, topic deviated again...I should write more often, seeing four topics in my head that kinda clashed together over here.
Back to the teamwork issue.
Luckily this semester almost all subjects have solo final projects. Unluckily, ALMOST all subjects solo final projects.

There is this academic research nonsense that needs to be done in a team. Never mind that the brief itself didn't make sense when it stated that reports will be handed and graded out individually, which basically means that you just sit together, "share information and sources" together, write your own report and get different grades. Uhhh...quick question, how does this promote teamwork, when its painfully obvious that anyone with even half a brain isn't going to reveal the right sources to his so called 'teammate' in hopes that its the perfect article for adding the 'oomph' to his own report?
Maybe I am the only one who thinks this way... could be possible I guess. Could be the reason why I have been singled out and have no one to work with, which is going to cause a lot of headache tomorrow...I have already packed 4 crocins in my bag.

But honestly, do you really think "working together" is going to solve the problem? Well then go ahead, but eventually there will come a point when your partner will think, "ahh...the perfect info, I must not reveal, this will gain me more credit". If he doesn't, then it doesn't make him a 'nice person'...no...it makes him a moron and he should be plucked out from the gene pool.

Wake up and smell the coffee, its a competitive world. Unless your partner is biologically related to you, if there is a chance to get a better edge, you do it, or else they will. Everyone craves recognition. Even the most solitary loners wouldn't mind a little recognition.

Sigh... its painful to even think of going up to a professor and basically telling him, "I don't have a team, no one is picking me" and it will be damn near humiliating if he picks a team for me.
Am hoping I can convince him that I can do this subject on my own, though its probably not going to work. Still, I have a reasonably great controversial topic which I won't reveal here... lets just say in the end I plan to explain to my audience as to how Singapore is fooling the public into thinking this is a 'free' country.

I was always attracted towards speaking on topics that are forbidden to be spoken of.

And now we come to an abrupt end, because I am tired of whining endlessly about this. I have to begin my report proposal