Exam capers

Going down memory lane again. This time I am reliving my engineering days, specially the last exams I had given. The way I behaved was really uncalled for, and yet, I couldn't help it. I was thoroughly fed up with engineering. Five years of my life, wasted, sitting under the leaky roof of a dull classroom while some professor spews gibberish and expects to be treated like he is the son of god.

The exams, I did have a lot of fun there. But the ones close to me never seem to understand that. To them, it will always be, "you should have taken it more seriously and finished it"
While that may be true, I always thought, what point in having a degree which you are certain you won't use? I made a mistake 5 years ago(well..its more like 7 now) when I joined up for engineering. Of course, there was a plus point... a point so valuable that it almost makes those "5 wasted years" mean something. I met the girl. Towards the very end, I met the girl.

Maybe that was my destiny? Could be. Some higher power(I refuse to use the G word here) might have planned it that way. Probably that's why I stayed a year longer than required. Could also be the reason why I failed :P
Ok ok, I am just trying to pass the blame...I failed on my own accord. It was simple lack of interest. Not as if I couldn't do it...had gotten excellent scores on the subjects I liked. But the ones that I found boring...I just did odd things during the exams.

Ok, enough stalling now...lets get to the memories.
The last few exams I gave in engineering:

Day 1: Medical Imaging.
I can't believe I was the only one in class who failed. So embarrassing. Plus, the more crucial problem, who the hell do I copy from?
Anyway, I just started answering questions.

Q: Define static imaging.

Ans: Static imaging is basically pictures taken from a still camera. You can use a tripod for this one. In contrast, dynamic imaging is when you move your camera while taking the picture. Such pictures are often blurry. Static photos however are quite nice and sharp.
Alternatively, static imaging is also a more refined way of saying "taking pictures of lightning".
Ah, but you are referring to "static imaging" in terms of biomedical engineering then I guess that static imaging is a diagnostic procedure for visualizing an internal organ or body compartment. A radioactive substance is administered to a patient, and an image or set of images is made of the fixed or slowly changing distribution of the radioactivity, basically its any diagnostic image fixed and frozen in time...like Xray images for example. (but I am sure you already knew that...after all, I did)

After answering some more inane questions, I decided that enough is enough. I raised my hand so I can call the invigilator.
He comes up to me and asks, "you want an additional supplement?"
I replied, "No, but I am bored. I have a nice novel in my bag. Can I read it here?"
He looked at me in disbelief.



Day 2: Microprocessors 2
I came prepared today. I was determined to sit longer than 30 minutes. It was a 3 hour paper. I should sit at least for half that much time. Soooo, I brought color pencils.

I was drawing stick figure cartoons during the exam, coloring them. They gave very detailed information. Like, the stick figure on the second row, 3rd table on the right, was clearly copying answers from the girl stick figure in front of him.

After a while I got bored and decided, ok, lets write some answers.

Q: Explain the principles and workings of the 8085 microprocessor.

Ans: The 8085 microprocessor is obsolete. We now have advanced to the Pentium age. You old buffoons stop clinging on to the past. Embrace the new technology. The New P4 core processor makes your puny 8085 appear as slow as a tortoise. Forget the P4, even if you consider the microprocessor on old school consoles like Atari, they are faster than the 8085. Answer me this, can you play pacman using a single 8085 chip? No. Pfft. Then this is useless for me. There is no point reading up on decadent circuits when you have far better and more complex ones in the market. Therefore, this entire question paper serves no purpose except for the old paper setter who is desperately trying to cling on to a circuit which is on the brink of extinction.

And with that I got up and left...60 minutes...sigh. I had tried so hard to stay for at least 90.


Day 3: Math
Ooo boy, this was probably my...7th attempt appearing for this paper. I reveled in the irony of failing Math -3 but clearing Math - 4 on the first attempt.
You would think that the university acknowledges that and clears me of math 3 also. After all, if I passed a higher level math exam, surely a lower level one would be child's play.

And it is. But the problem is, I just don't like solving all those derivation and integration problems. I don't need them. There is never going to be a situation where I am say, held hostage and the only way to escape is by answering what is D/d(x^2 + (x/2000) * 100)...just an example.

I will spare the mathematical examples. You all know, the classic ones like, I cannot answer is this question as it includes the number "4". 4 is a very evil number. It goes against my religion.
Or
Writing in Superman's native language, Kryptonian, and then leaving a note behind, "Superman was here"


Day 4: Signal processing.
My classmate was tensed today...he had given this paper many times, each time failing. He was getting a little frustrated with it. Then he looked up at me, and saw I am pretty calm. So he comes up to me and asks, "you not worried?"
I replied, "nope. Its signal processing. This is going to be fun", and I giggled thinking of the numerous ways I can refer to signal processing, how the males brain processes the signals his eyes send out when they see a female etc.
I guess he misread my calmness and pleaded, "dude, please let me copy from you today."
I told him, "ok sure. No problem."

I selected my first question, and wrote the answer correctly. I always write the first few answers correctly to lull the paper corrector into a false sense of hope. Making them think that this student knows what he is writing...and then I strike. Anyway, I wrote the first answer for around 20 minutes.
My pal did the same. The process repeated for the second answer too.

Then I started drawing a box.
He was confused but he did exactly like I did...probably assumed that I am doing a block diagram.
After a very complex looking cube had been drawn, I started writing stuff down and he copied it word for word.
Five minutes into writing my answer, he glared and repeatedly tapped me on my back.

Friend: "What the hell are you writing?"
Me: "Oh, I am just explaining the basics of a hypercube."
Friend: "What?"
Me: "A hypercube. Its a 4th dimensional cube. Also known as a tesseract. Imagine it this way, a cube has 3 dimensions right...well, a tesseract has an extra dimension. I am going to write a short thesis on this. Its pretty interesting, specially for astro.."
Friend: "What the hell! Why aren't you writing the answers to the questions in the paper?"
Me: "Oh...I don't know anything else."

He just glared at me angrily, and I grinned back naughtily.


Ahh...good times.

Stung by the spelling bee.

Spelling mistakes are quite a pain. Truth be told, the worst bloopers emerge from making typo errors. Cellphone messages are usually a victim of such disasters. However, worst doesn't mean all bad. Actually, when you think about it, they can be quite fun(specially when the person who made them doesn't realize it and even if they do, its too late to make corrections)

Its always the aftermath of the spelling errors that give me great joy.

I was watching House on TV(its a sitcom..watch it), when all of a sudden, the cable went out. The only thing that was shown on my screen was some text highlighted in a blue box.
"There is some technical error in the transmission, kindly bare with us. Thank you."

...
Bare?
You want me to bare with you? I am not stripping down in the middle of the day, provided I have worn anything in the first place.

That was a spelling error. There are more types too.

Grammatical errors, basically when some words get wrongly substituted with something else, making the context all the more hilarious.
I was reminiscing about my 12th grade English Professor a few days ago. His vocabulary, my god! I have never heard such blasphemy in my life. Well, that is, until I came to Singapore. That "singlish" is just awful. Anyway, I remember once the professor was giving us a test. He dictated a passage out and we would have to listen and finally answer the questions he had given.

He spoke out loud, and mind you, he didn't say it accidentally, "...and since the guard had to protect the king, he slept with him."

OMG! He was supposed to sleep next to the king, not with the king. To think that just one little word could change the sexual preference of the poor guard...and what about the king? Well, I guess he just got tired of sleeping with the queen.

Then there are words which sound alike and mean two different things. Like for instance, night and knight, allowed and aloud, died and dyed etc. If memory serves me correct, such words are called homonyms. These can be a laugh riot if they aren't used properly.
So to be honest, I am not going to be surprised if I spot an advertisement next to a barber shop, showing a guy with raven black hair and a tag-line - "He died last week, that's why his hair looks fantastic. Come on in. We will die for you."

Then there is the classic cellphone blooper. Specially for those writing in that mobile dictionary T9 mode. You skip one key and the entire word changes. Imagine if you have applied for a company, and the boss loves your resume. Just for this example, he doesn't call you, he messages you. Asking you a question, "what work did you do with the previous company?"
And your reply is...
"My job was to pervert unauthorized people from coming onto the site"

OMG! His job is to pervert people! I wonder if he is the reason for all this perversion around here. Maybe I wrote the previous post here because I bumped into him and he perverted me :P


Anyway, to sum it up, try your best to avoid such mistakes. But to be honest, I wish you keep repeating them, I enjoy a good laugh every now and then.



P.S - I wasn't going to post today, but the girl forced me. She sent me an sms saying, "you better wive the post today" Ahem, wive my post? But I have only just met. Lets take it slow baby. Why don't we date first?
:P.

Learning to 'play'.

Just a short skit.


"Hey, there you are," she said. She wondered what he was doing hiding in the garage. As soon as he heard her voice, a wave of panic hit his body and he stopped his current activity , looking towards her.

"Hi", he spoke, nervously.

"I was waiting for you in the living room, what's taking so long?", she inquired as she stepped into the garage.

"Nothing", he replied, "I was just arranging some boxes. Why don't you go back to the living room now. I will be there in a while."
But she wasn't listening. She walked forward, closer to him, until she saw it...and gasped in shock.

"What the HELL..", she shrieked.

"Honey, I can explain everything...", he said, quivering a little.

"How dare you. You are playing by yourself...that too in the garage. Shame on you."

"Sweetheart its not what you think, I was just...practicing. Building up my stamina and talent a little", he mumbled out.

She let out a sigh. This man is never going to change...and this isn't the first time she has caught him like this either. So instead of arguing, she decided to play along with him.
"You could have told me. Why do you always play by yourself? Can't you at least let me know. I could at least watch you play.", she said.

"Honey I am sorry," he apologized, "I had no idea you like to watch me play"

"You know", she said in a soft tone, "That's a very nice stick you have in your hand there."

He stood there, confused, with the stick still in his hand.

She continued on, "Mmm yea, its quite long and its so hard"

Realizing that she is fine right now, with him hiding and playing by himself, and is actually trying to get into the mood, he replied, in his low seductive voice, "Thanks. I use it a lot these days"

"And what a lovely set of balls. I can see them shining.", she said, stretching her hand out to touch them.

He laughed and his brown eyes sparkled. "I like them myself too. They are quite firm"

"How often do you play with them mm?" she asked, as her fingers traced the curve on one of the balls.

"Every chance I get, love. Every chance I get", he replied.

She couldn't help but smile at his frankness.

"You know honey", she said, while her fingers moved up to his stick, " I really don't have too much experience playing with these things. My parents have never allowed me to play with them."

He calmly said, " Oh you poor dear. Don't you worry now, I will teach you everything you need to know about this little game"

"Thanks hon", she gleamed in excitement. " You are the best. With your training, I will be able to play pool in no time."

Wanna play?

Appeasing the five senses.

Note: I am in a mushy mood. For those who don't like mushy stuff, you can skip this post.


Sight.
She pleases my eyes. I am sure she felt me looking at her. Trying her best to catch me staring. But my eyes turn away the minute she stares at me. As soon as she turns back, my focus shifts back to her. The only difference is, now its more intense. Watching her movements, the subtle motion of her arms, the way her lips move while she speaks.
Within minutes, everything around me shuts out completely. My eyes just study her, memorizing her, watching her in vivid detail. Every curve of her body is recorded, all the intricate details in her dress. Everything. My eyes take it all in. Her body, her mind, even her soul, if in case our eyes lock. Her eyes are magnificent. From the first day that I happened to glance at them, I was mesmerized by their beauty. When she looked at me, I knew that these lovely soft brown eyes are the ones that I want to wake up to every morning. They had an uncanny hypnotic ability, whether they were sleepy, angry, happy, or deep in thought. I have always loved her eyes. But for now, my eyes are fixed on her. She knows I am watching, and she is more than happy to let me keep looking. I know she is blushing.... the room just got a little hotter.


Touch
I love to touch her. I am gentle at first... just using the tip of my fingers, lightly brushing against her skin. Slowly the pressure builds up. I make them walk up and down her arm. Just two fingers, going back and forth, making her more familiar with my touch. Soon they creep across her waist. She lets out a little hum, trying her best to hide the pleasure she felt at my touch.
Her hands begin to move too, her tiny fingers quickly grasp mine, effectively stopping my movement. She leans forward, close to my face, whispering in my ears, "aye, what do you think you are doing mm?"
But for now, I am lost in her touch. I am just focusing on the touch. The other senses at this point, are put on hold.
My hands pulled away from her grip and rose up to touch her cheeks. I gave a little smile as I caressed those soft silky cheeks with my thumb, a smile which turned into a grin as the caressing suddenly turned into a light pinch.
Before she could protest, my fingers moved to her lips, those perfect smooth lips. They are precious to me. So warm, gentle to the touch. My body can't handle it anymore. It needs to be comforted. I suddenly pull her towards me, giving her a tight hug. A loving embrace, letting my body feel hers completely, wishing I could just merge with her. I have realized that the only time I can sleep peacefully is when I feel her body alongside mine while we lay next to each other in bed. Its just amazing.


Smell
She has a good smell. My nose approves of it. Its one of those kind of fragrances that linger around for quite some time. It varies though. That's because she keeps switching soaps. Sometimes, its the sweet smell of dove, other times it was yardley, few moments she even smelled like honey...probably because of that Lux soap. But regardless of the soaps, it was her all the same.
Every morning when she gets up and leaves the room, I feel this sudden absence of her fragrances. It becomes so overwhelming that I hold on to her pillow, burying my face in it, inhaling deeply. Her scent clings on to everything.
On days when I am a little depressed, I hold on to her pillow tighter, imagining that I am in her arms, my face buried against her chest. She would be close enough for me to smell her hair, taking in all that dove or honey or whatever those scents are.
I bury my face deeper . Clinging on to it tight while I inhale the remnants of her fragrance, falling asleep blissfully.
It is a good smell.



Taste
Early morning, as soon as I wake up, my lips hunger for hers. I have to taste her. The taste changes throughout the day. Early morning, a kiss tastes of the sweet dreams she had last night. After brushing her teeth, the strong mint overpowers my tongue. After breakfast there is a lingering taste of tea. During the day, I get to experience a cherry flavor. The incidents where I know she has been cheating in her diet, when her kisses taste like chocolate. At times when she is on her kurkure cravings, my taste buds get to experience a nice sweet and spicy flavor....so many various flavors. Every kiss is different, and with every taste, I keep getting cravings for more.



Sound
Usually coming home after a long tiresome day, I just walk straight up to her as we sit on the couch and talk. My body, worn down from sitting in the chair and working all day, begins to tilt a little. Before you know it, I have fallen asleep in her lap.
I can hear a sound. A soft sound. Its tone rising and falling, almost like a musical melody.It is beautiful. I open my eyes a little and see her lips. They are moving. Saying something...
Slowly I realize that she is singing. Still hazy, I don't move much, getting a little tensed. A bit afraid that if I move too much, her singing will stop.
That voice...its so...I am too drowsy to continue that thought. Mesmerized by her voice. I can feel sleep creeping up again. This time I fight it, I want to hear some more of that intoxicating music. A sweet lullaby. She will be a good mother. Our child will never cry for long. I have held on to her tight by now, I can hear her heart beating. The rhythms almost match her singing. I wish I could listen to her voice forever. Its soothing to my soul.
Blissfully I keep listening to it until sleep finally overpowers my senses.



Goodnight everyone

Beyond chubby.

Yesterday I made cream of sweet corn soup. It was fantastic. Well, nothing compared to the ones I get in chinese restaurants of course, but very nice nonetheless.

Today I made mushroom soup. With croutons. I think I am going to be sick... really wanted to throw the soup away. Alas, was forced to drink it. At this time I wish there was something tasty in the house to get rid of this mushroom breath.

Btw, I have set out to lose weight...again. I am dead serious this time. Its alright when people call me fat. I don't really care. Being a little chubby has never bothered me. But you see, I have gone past the "chubby" phase. Now that annoys me. I need to get back to my lovable chubby self at the very least, if not reduce more than that.

So I guess the next month is going to be a month full of fruits and soups. I miss my cheese and crunchy stuff. Eating crunchy celery is NOT a substitute for potato chips.

Until yesterday though I was still in the transition phase. Had a bowl of peanuts and soup. Peanuts are good provided its a handful. A small handful... so unfair. When people recommend, "you should eat one handful of peanuts", they shouldn't specify the hand size. To each their own hand. Its not my fault that my hand can pick out almost half the packet.

By today I have got all my required stuff.

Tomorrow morning I am starting with the usual stuff.

Warm honey water in the morning.
Cereal breakfast(without fail)
Lunch includes apples and something..I dunno..a salad perhaps..if I am not too lazy to make one.
Afternoon snack includes chocolate milk(I NEED SOMETHING TO MAKE ME HAPPY!)
Evening, one dosa or 3 khakras.
Night, soup of the day(tomato for the next few days definitely)

Sigh.

Anyone out there interested in a fat transplant? I won't even charge you.

On a side note...ever gotten up in the morning and fall asleep again. Wake up in the afternoon..check mail, surf a little, fall asleep. Finally wake up in the evening...and you aren't sure whether you showered in the morning or not?
I don't know whether I took a shower today.

What's that you say? Why not just take one again?
No I can't. You see...I only condition my hair once. If I do it again, it will be all limpy. But if I haven't showered, then my hair will be a little oily. I can't take a risk making my hair limp. So I guess I have to just wait till sunrise.

Also, I am bored. I want college to start so I can be sarcastic towards my classmates and bitch and moan about my impossibly ludicrious assignments.

I would kill for an ice cream right now. Ice cream sundae...with chocolate syrup...and nuts..must have nuts.

I am going nuts.

Hershey says # 4

Hershey says, " The movie, Matrix... makes no sense. Ok fine, robots got super advanced and used humans as batteries. Why? Why not use a cow? Any living creature would be fine at that point. So why not a cow? Cows wouldn't even disobey, they wouldn't rebel. We can have a Mootrix. Think about it."


Restarted this post series after ages. Brought back for two reasons.
1. Helps me write something silly during days I have nothing to post.
2. I am too sleepy right now to continue.

What Scares the Shit Out of Me

A simple clear post...here's a list of things that scare the shit out of me.

1. Bugs. That includes crawling bugs, flying bugs, hybrids etc. If its small and crawls or buzzes, I am grabbing some heavy duty pesticide and emptying the entire can on it. Take no chances. Bugs are evil. They may pretend to play dead. Your life isn't worth the risk, empty the entire can of poison on those little critters.

2. Snakes. They don't scare me when they are caged. Otherwise, I am not going near them. Slithery little evil things.

3. Mice. If there is ever a mouse problem in the house, I am going to confidently go towards the dining room table, and sit on it coolly, making sure my feet don't touch the floor.

4. Lizards. Demonspawns from hell, sent to earth to acquire information about me. I hate em. Plus, they move so fast that its scary.

5. Himesh Reshammiya. Think about it. You are trapped in a room with him...and he wants to sing. Oh the horror....the horror!

6. Birds. Birds are evil. They evolved from dinosaurs, meaning they evolved from reptiles. Reptiles are giant lizards. Therefore, birds are also demonspawns... who can fly. Avoid them at all costs. Besides, if you piss them off, they will crap on you.

7. Public speaking. I hate it. Don't get me wrong. Give me a large audience. About a 100+ people and I will speak with ease. Give me a small classroom with 20 students, and I will lose my nerves.

8. Dogs. Wait wait...I will be specific. Hounds. Bloodhounds...at night...growling like they have rabies or something. Basic rule of survival : Carry a shotgun with you if there is a bloodhound in your neighbourhood.

9. Noises in the dark. You know, I am usually up all night...working(surfing and reading comics) on my assignments. Its complete silence at night. The only sound I hear is the clickety clack of the keyboard, and the occasional messenger notifications. But when the lights are switched off, suddenly I hear all these creaking noises. Where are they coming from. I bet its the lizards, making the noise..wanting me to get out of my bed.

10. Dolls. The ones with the big head and eyes that open and close. I hate them. They are scary. They can come to life and kill you with a butter knife. But I know a way to counter that fear. I keep a lot of GIJOE action figures, all in tanks and fighter jets. If that doll awakens, she will be blown away to smithereens.



Its been so long since I used the word "smithereens"

Smithereens.... sounds similar to scoobydooooo

smithereens...scoobydooooo


I am so sleepy tonight.