Masking reality

(ok so the post started out whiny... I didn't want that. I had planned a funny post. You know how things are, one minute you have a good idea, then you watch something depressing on TV and your mood changes...somehow few paras before ending, I got back to the post I wanted to write in the first place. Sooo...just persevere and read ahead)



Everyone wears a mask. Admit it, everyone does...even you my precious readers.
I am not talking about the ones you get in shops, oh no no...this is a different kind of mask...it changes your persona completely.

For instance, lately when I go to college, I have a look of constant stress and tiredness. This isn't only during mondays nor is it only during nights where I am constantly awake. Assignment ideas keep hovering over my mind.
Or another mask, where I am talking with my family and friends and ramble endlessly having fun, cracking silly jokes.

See... the problem begins when you don't realize if you are concealing yourself behind a mask or not. Which one is real? Stressed or happy? Can't be both.


I am slowly sinking back into the pool of indifference. My work has reached a point where its no longer entertaining. It was bound to happen given all the dull projects I keep getting assigned.
Lets see...


Gotta make 3 flash games, even though the professor clearly said he won't teach everything and we should just get the source code from a tutorial or a file and modify the graphics.
Have to make a movie title sequence, which, once again..have to get tutorials or files and just modify for the same reasons.

Yet another character modeling for maya, so wonderful when nearly half the class does pathetic baby cartoon models while the other half "borrows" the models online and then work backwards, demodeling the final version so they can show the professor the "steps" they used to "create" the model from scratch. And that works.

I have no clue what's going on in programming, and I don't even care. It just isn't inspiring when your professor tells you how exciting programming is and how you can make so much money, when the professor himself, who works as a programmer, has to teach part time to earn cash.

And lastly, there is report writing. Quite frankly, the dullest lecture I can ever sit in. It outranks other subjects by dullness simply because we are not allowed to use our laptops in class. At least with our laptops I could ramble on facebook or look at tutorials and stuff.
I will say this...the one thing I like about report writing...it brings out the words I learned from GRE. I get so thrilled when the guy next to me asks, "hey, whats the meaning of authoritative"

Its a confidence booster knowing that you are surrounded by morons. Of course, the confidence is short lived because you suddenly realize, that you are surrounded by morons.

I mean come on...take a fricking clue.. authoritative... what does it sound like? Something related to authority perhaps? And what is authority? Honestly if you don't know that much then I would be very surprised how that guy managed to come so far.

...

God that gave me a headache again.

My mind is currently annoyed. It is throwing tantrums like you won't believe. It wants some excitement. For godsakes, give me a challenge at least. I hate doing assignments which I can simply rip off from the internet and modify them and submit. Yea yea I know what you are saying, "then why do it?". Simple answer...because I can...because it makes no difference at all...because it works...

Frankly, the last thing I remember doing on my own was...ages ago. And I mean completely on my own. From scratch. No tutorials, no external codes...nothing. Just a blank document which I filled up with beautiful typography.

Rest of the times...bah. Take a couple of pictures, cut them out like a collage, grab the flash code given by the professor, modify it and viola, linkin park cd application. Oh oh...take a couple of cartoons of Indian gods, take the same code from the previous project, modify it a bit. Add indian colors, intricate backgrounds, viola, interactive website on Indian gods.

I will try to upload them soon... I definitely want to show them here. Specially the indian one. Its hilarious. I just have to change my blog template for that. Size won't fit here.

I took a break from college today. Bunked it. The repercussions will be awful but was it worth it?
Welll...I bunked because I have to make a presentation tomorrow on a topic, "what efforts were taken by the singapore government to solve the declining fertility rate in the country". That's not all. My "reliable" hard drive crashed, and along with it, went 200 gb worth of movies, 90 gb worth of college related files, 10gb of music, and 20gb of miscellaneous things that I can't even recall. Also, I found these great links which have readymade aftereffects files... some are just random effects, some are stock video clips, and some are...*evil laugh* complete title intros.

So I took a break. What did it accomplish? Well... since my hard drive refuses to get recognized and every time I plug it in all it asks is if I want to format, I downloaded a data recovery software and spent the last 20 hours trying to salvage my info, 20 and counting...
So far I have gotten back around...40gb worth of college files. This is painfully slow.

Downloaded lots of aftereffects files, but haven't yet checked to see if they are working or not.

And far as my presentation is concerned...well here I am sitting in my room for the past 20 hours and I am still stuck on the first line. "population growth is a worldwide crisis"
The fact that I am beginning to enjoy Desperate Housewives is nerve wracking.


See I have a solution to my problems, a simple way to make it crystal clear that the mask I wear shows stress and the happiness I show is real. I need a girl.
Oh not just any girl.
I need my girl.

The girl who would ruffle my hair when I am just sitting on my bed, or who would argue with me and tell me to work, and when I reply with a whiny "I don't wanna" she would pull my ear hard and say in a stern tone, "you better"
See I know I have to work. It just makes it easier when there is a purpose. Getting good grades, avoiding the chance of failing...pfft... not purposeful enough. But a girl says "you do it because I tell you to"...seems to have so much more meaning.

My little man brain says, "Oh..she wants me to do it. I better do it or I will upset her. And if I upset her I don't get to play. And I like to play. Every man on the planet likes to play."

See man brains are different from woman brains. They really are.
I'll give you an example.

Lets say its a beautiful warm sunny day. A woman will go out all happy and cheery and when she meets someone, she will say, "Its a nice day, isn't it?" See. That's how women are. They will frame the sentence in a way that the other person responds and then she says something and they continue chatting. Women love to chat.

Same scenario for a guy...he will say, "its a nice day". Period. That's it. He knows its a nice day, thus he says it matter-of-factly.

Men are more informative. All our conversations are usually informative. This is how guys talk...
"How does that girl look?"
"Oh she looks hot."
" What about that girl?"
"Oh her...she's nice."
" Isn't this class the worst?"
" Oh yea, definitely. Horrible. Flies are more interesting than this class"
" What are we having for lunch?"
" Sandwiches I guess"
" Lets go for burgers"
" Yea sure, thats cool too"

See, there is no major 'emotional' attachment. Its plainly informative. We just do the absolute minimum that is required. We don't even think. You see random guys sitting quietly on a bench in the park. Women think they are thinking something, we aren't. We are just sitting in the park, looking at stuff, probably looking at women. If a woman walks by, that will stir up some brain cells and we will pop out a thought or two, mostly evaluating her looks and checking our ego to see if we can get a woman like her or not.
We have the wonderful ability to go without thinking for extended periods of time. I once sat in my chair in the balcony, and thought nothing for 20 minutes until a bird flew into the neighbor's antenna....then I quickly rushed to get my camera but I was too late.

Basically, when women ask, what are you thinking...it sends our poor brains into a frenzy. We were just lying on the sofa comfortably watching the fish swimming in the little fishbowl. Suddenly we have to activate all our braincells and figure out an answer that will satisfy you. An experienced man will tell you that whatever answer you pick, make sure its related to something pleasant about her. Because eventually, women just want to know that you were thinking of her.

Honestly though girls, when we think of you, we tell you. We will call you up, chat with you as much as we can, hold you, kiss your cheek...you know where I am going with this.

Men are informative, its how we are and how we will always be.

Women aren't. Women are emotional. Women use and study body posture. They look at the facial expressions and listen to the tone of the voice. That's why they usually know when men are lying. Men listen to content. Women, tone. Remember this when the next time you couples out there fight. The poor man is waiting for you to tell him what's wrong, while the woman is sobbing uncontrollably and yelling that why can't he figure out for himself.
Our poor brains aren't programmed for that. We can't figure out the problem from the tone of your voice or from your body language. We are waiting for you to tell us what we did so we can fix it.

We aren't being insensitive. We just need to be told. Its how life is supposed to be.
They just have to compromise eventually. A woman has to understand that things have to be spelled out for her man most of the time, and the man has to learn to listen to the tone she speaks in to find some hidden emotion. Considering the hundreds of emotions that she has, at least learn to identify 10 of them.

So in a nutshell...life would be a lot easier if I had a girl I can pamper...a girl who would just tell me what to do so it makes sense to do it... a girl who would listen to me whine about the projects, knowing that most of the times I am not looking for help...I just want to let the whining out so I can start thinking. See that's another thing...our memory storage capacity isn't too much. We basically store stuff for a while and the shift it to an external storage and give it to you. So when you remember a "special" day that we forgot...its only because you have that memory and we are waiting for you to give it to us.

Again, like I said...compromise... man will remember the birthday, and two anniversaries...pick any two. Marriage, first kiss, first time in bed, first time you fed each other, first time you danced...the list goes on and on and on. There are many many anniversaries.
We will remember the top three. If you want gifts and to have a special moment on other anniversaries, inform the man at least three days in advance. Just because the poor guy forgot the date doesn't mean he forgot the moment.


Ooook...I am tired of this now. Its high time I start on my report. I really don't want to...but it seems I don't have a choice. Not because a girl told me to...but because I will fail if I don't...and while that isn't really important... the $1000 fee for retaking a subject does matter a lot.

Just have to bear it out. November has already started. Just 44 days more till this semester ends...and finally I will have some peace. And after that, ha ha...no college. Internship...finally some excitement.


But for now, I am going to put my "stressed" mask on and get back to work.

Wednesday Morning Disaster

Spent last night staying up and preparing a research proposal for a report that I will debate upon for the next two months.
As a result I tired to the point where the blinking of my eyes pauses for around 20-30 seconds.
I do have the presentation prepared however I have no clue on what to speak about...so am continuously repeating my speech in my head, over and over and over and over because I know I have to somehow stretch 5 slides worth of information to at least 7 minutes.

Finally I decide to come to college and open the door to my class room only to realize its empty. Oh no no, class isn't canceled...no one has showed up just yet. Crosschecked the time to see if I am just half our early or an hour and half early. Nope, just 25 minutes left for class to begin.

Two students appear, two hot girls. Thats odd. There are no hot girls in my batch, nor in the VC (visual comm) batch for that matter.
Then the professor comes in, looks at me in a weird way, asks me if I am in the right class. I say yea, this is ARCS right?
His response?

No kid, this is Fashion Design. ARCS is at 2 pm.

STUPID BLOODY @#$@#!% TIME TABLE.

So I got up to leave, and just before exiting I let out a sigh and told him that I don't have a team for this subject and he replied by saying not to worry and he will "put" me in a team. Great. Fantastic. Why can't I do it alone...why why why.

I spent hours on researching this topic, its a nice topic... it shows that the "proud" singapore government which allegedly "mocks" our country for being so chaotic, is nothing more than an authoritarian bully. Now I have to "discuss" between me and my 'yet-to-be-named' teammate about whether to pick the beautiful controversial topic which is, in general, not allowed to be spoken of, or pick whatever mindless dull droning topic that he or she picked out.

No there is very little chance of there being a topic more interesting than this.

I have chosen censorship in singapore. Apparently, the press here is ruled with an iron fist. Those who speak or question the government are fined, jailed without trial or worse. And you know me...I love speaking things that are "forbidden".
You all know the forbidden topics in our societies.

And quite frankly, the only...ONLY things that can top this is,
legalization of same sex marriages,
creationism vs evolution : the never ending debate between god and darwin, or
Racism in singapore. Its not as harmonious as people think.

The reason why I didn't pick these is because...
first one has been done to death, there is info everywhere about this. Though it does have that one crippling point that I am fascinated with. The singapore penal code is a mirror of the Indian code, and while India legalized same sex marriages, singapore hasn't. In fact there is an added line which specifically targets gays. Sooo mucn fun when a "chaotic" country like india one-ups singapore.

Second one, you can go back in my archives and read all the posts I have talked about this "god". I have received hate mail, gotten critiques for being insensitive and blah blah...whatever. I don't believe in religion. Plain and simple. So this topic will be biased for me. Darwin rules!

Racism, its a little risky here. Also there might be some bias considering that technically the majority of people who claim singapore isn't racist are usually chinese singaporeans. Ask the indians and the malays here and most of the middle class play a different tune.

I can't think of anything more worthwhile than these topics. It will be a miracle if someone can come up with something more interesting than this. Mind you, I am restricting the topic area to Singapore. Its such a pussified country. Nothing exciting happens here. No controversies, no debates...yea yea its peaceful, bloody annoying. Have some conflicts so we can debate a little.

That could be a topic... the pussification of singapore by its authoritarian government, which technically is too general and when you narrow the topic down, one of its branches come to...censorship.


10.30 am, sitting outside the class, in the hallway leading to the teacher's staffroom. Wish this class was on the usual second floor...they have a sofa there. And a vending machine. I am tired and hungry. Too hungry to sleep peacefully, too tired to go down and buy something.

Wednesday, great damn day.

Teamwork sucks

It really isn't for everybody. Colleges should stop promoting it now, its damn irritating. My first year was fantastic. Lovely projects, all solo assignments... my creativity was overflowing.
Ever since the second year I have been having a horrid dry spell.

Why teamwork sucks?

1. Credit is shared by the team. So basically, 'my' idea becomes 'our' idea, 'my' posters become 'our' posters, and 'my' grades become 'our' grades.

2. When you work alone, and you screw up, you have yourself to blame...but when you are working in the team, it's always the other person's fault....Always. Na...tut tut..no arguing with me...its ALWAYS their fault.

3. For a team to function properly, you need good teammates. That doesn't work when the members can't either speak properly, or are too lazy or too stupid or just plain 'shut-up-or-I-will-smash-you-with-your-laptop' annoying.

4. Specifically for me, teamwork will suck because I have this particular frame of mind...I am right. Whatever the argument may be, I am right. Its not an ego issue. Simply because I cared enough to argue means I know what I am talking about. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered responding in the first place. I am not always right of course, say for instance, if a professor asks me to do something in a specific way, but I take a different approach...he could tell me I was wrong and I will accept it as long has he gives a valid reason.
So basically, in teamwork, when I pick the topic, I am justified in choosing it because that is either a 'hot' topic, or an 'interesting' topic or something the audience will connect to. Quite simply put, if I say XYZ is our topic...thats it. End of discussion.
But to be fair I do give everyone a chance to give out their ideas too. One chance to entice my mind to whatever issue they may have chosen. My mind has rarely switched over to other people's topics.


5. Similar to the 'I am right' issue, there is also the 'I am good' issue. Again, not an ego thing, this simply means, "Look at my work, that's pretty good." At this point, criticism isn't allowed, by anyone, even the professor. Once more for clarification, this isn't an ego driven statement. Do you know how much I criticize and dislike my own work. Nearly every piece of my submission is dissected into various points, and each point getting more vague than the next...
I don't like the font type, its too small and irregular.
The background image could use some more post processing.
This color sucks
This design sucks
I need some "oomph" in this design.

All in all, I always come up with something that meets or exceeds the professor's expectations...but never mine. So in the rare event that the latter does ring true, I do stand up proudly and tell the world, "wow..I am good".



In general, people should figure out by now, that when I actually bother giving a crap about something, I know what I am talking about.
Why have you never seen me talk about America's war with Iraq or Obama being president or the Great Recession all around the globe? Simple...I don't care. It doesn't interest me, and as such I have no clue about what's going on, which is just how I prefer it.
I still hear people trying to lure me into discussing the financial collapse. Pfft...
checklist.
1. Do I have food on my table? Yes.
2. Do I have clothes? Yes
3. Do I have a bed to sleep in? Yes.
4. Do I have a good bathroom? Yes
All right then, not interested in the global financial problems. Watching the white tiger at the zoo for 4 hours is much more stimulating than listening to the global news. Going to the library and once again scanning the entire arts and film section in hopes of seeing a new book is more interesting...cataloging all my pictures into various categories is more interesting.. you get my point?

I thought of one more :P
"Hours of pondering whether to have tomato soup or sweet corn soup is more interesting than listening to global issues"


For those who are wondering, yes I am a misanthrope. Not a cynic, a Misanthrope. There is a difference. Cynics hate everyone. Misanthropes will care if they like the person. They hate everyone in general except for the people they will choose to hang out with.

Ooook, topic deviated again...I should write more often, seeing four topics in my head that kinda clashed together over here.
Back to the teamwork issue.
Luckily this semester almost all subjects have solo final projects. Unluckily, ALMOST all subjects solo final projects.

There is this academic research nonsense that needs to be done in a team. Never mind that the brief itself didn't make sense when it stated that reports will be handed and graded out individually, which basically means that you just sit together, "share information and sources" together, write your own report and get different grades. Uhhh...quick question, how does this promote teamwork, when its painfully obvious that anyone with even half a brain isn't going to reveal the right sources to his so called 'teammate' in hopes that its the perfect article for adding the 'oomph' to his own report?
Maybe I am the only one who thinks this way... could be possible I guess. Could be the reason why I have been singled out and have no one to work with, which is going to cause a lot of headache tomorrow...I have already packed 4 crocins in my bag.

But honestly, do you really think "working together" is going to solve the problem? Well then go ahead, but eventually there will come a point when your partner will think, "ahh...the perfect info, I must not reveal, this will gain me more credit". If he doesn't, then it doesn't make him a 'nice person'...no...it makes him a moron and he should be plucked out from the gene pool.

Wake up and smell the coffee, its a competitive world. Unless your partner is biologically related to you, if there is a chance to get a better edge, you do it, or else they will. Everyone craves recognition. Even the most solitary loners wouldn't mind a little recognition.

Sigh... its painful to even think of going up to a professor and basically telling him, "I don't have a team, no one is picking me" and it will be damn near humiliating if he picks a team for me.
Am hoping I can convince him that I can do this subject on my own, though its probably not going to work. Still, I have a reasonably great controversial topic which I won't reveal here... lets just say in the end I plan to explain to my audience as to how Singapore is fooling the public into thinking this is a 'free' country.

I was always attracted towards speaking on topics that are forbidden to be spoken of.

And now we come to an abrupt end, because I am tired of whining endlessly about this. I have to begin my report proposal

Tsunami in my head

I was on vacation for the past two weeks. Went to India, still there actually. My vacation ends tomorrow.

A lot of things have been discovered in this trip. It was a very enlightening experience in one way, though I would also consider it a major disaster at the same time.

When I left, I was upset with an issue, which caused me to remain in a mopey state of mind right until the stewardess brought me some bloody mary. God help me I love a bloody mary on an airplane.
Things were finally looking up until the plane landed.

I didn't mind the almost 20 minute walk of that horribly long corridor from the plane to the baggage area. I was amused how the doctors checked for the H1N1 here, by asking me if I have fever and dismissing me the minute I said no. Wow, what a complicated medical check-up. I bet we can train a two year old to do this check up too because hey, it still won't solve the problem of infesting our 'already infested' country with yet another disease, but at least with a baby giving you a medical check up you will have a good laugh.

What did piss me off was when I had to open my bags and answer a bunch of stupid questions because I had a DSLR and a videocamera on me. Apparently I am not allowed to carry more than 25000 rupees worth of stuff.
Hello?
Newsflash.

The jeans I wear, combined with the shirt, the shoes, the two rings on my fingers, the mp3 player in my pocket, and my cellphone...that itself is around 50k. Give me a break you pansy ass waste of flesh. Just because your monthly salary is equivalent to the price of my sunglasses doesn't mean you take out your hatred for your pitiful existence on me.

Regardless, they understood finally that I am too pissed and let me go. Though the damage was already done and my brain immediately listed out the points of why I detest this place.
People were first on my list.

Yea I know most of you are glaring at me when I say I hate this country, but no..no I don't. That's what I am trying to tell everyone. I don't hate this country, in fact, I love it. I adore it and still consider it a beautiful place to live in if all the people you see on the streets disappear.
I mean, when I heard that some marathi people sparked a big ruckus over not calling mumbai as Bombay... good god, these people should be found immediately, and not kept in jail..oh no no..that's too easy. They should be shot in the head as soon as they are spotted, and one bullet to the heart too just to err on the side of caution.

Jeez people, it is not a sin to call mumbai as bombay now and then. It is not shameful. We have been calling it bombay for decades, do you mean to tell me all those years are considered as shameful?
Its not like I hate marathi people...I actually "nothing" them, but I get a little peeved when they do something like "open their mouth and talk gibberish"

For godsakes, does it occur to you people that nearly half the people abroad don't know "mumbai". Hell, every time some cab driver in singapore asks me where I am from and I say mumbai he usually goes "huh?" and then I have to say bombay and he goes, "oh Bombay, lovely place"

Bombay, mumbai, madras, chennai, bangalore, bengalurugoogoowhatever...its the same damn thing. All the same damn thing.


Btw, the cynic in me came out in this trip and along with it, a torrent of sarcasm and sadism. I did realize however that I am a cynic. Actually to be specific I am a misanthrope. I looked it up. A misanthrope is one who generally hates people but still likes some folk from the human race. He hates the concept of "order and society" and this "human nature" of how certain things we have to abide and how we have to treat people in a specific way etc when its all bullshit considering the people who enforce these rules are gangbanging you out of your money and freedom. Still, a misanthrope can love, he can have friends, he can be your best bud.

Anyway, what the hell is going on with these sky walk thingies going around everywhere. It is a good idea, but they are overdoing it a bit. Too many in my opinion. Sure, majority of the people are poor enough to not afford cars, and I understand that. Plus its also a good way to stay healthy...but hey...that doesn't mean you take up the road that's meant for driving cars at vroom vroom speed.

On the positive note, food is good...as always. That statement is further reinforced by the extra 7 kilos that's registering on my weighing scale.
Yea, my weighing scale just started spinning like crazy when I stepped on it, and the pointer stopped on "GET OFF OF ME. TOO HEAVY TOO HEAVY!"

It probably would have helped my self esteem a little bit if I hadn't been munching on a muffin at the time I was weighing myself. Well, I pretty much assumed that the muffin was the heavier one. Still...scales have tipped to the point where I really have to be cautious....which kinda sucks.

College started last monday, and this is one of those moments when I wished I didn't take the "extended" vacation.
So, instead of waiting till next week to rant about this, lets just do it now..get it over with.

I have maya again...an animation this time, a 30 second clip. That's just...crazy talk. We haven't even taught rigging. It takes us ages to model our character and texture it. To rig it correctly, animate it...and use it in some story...which means there should be some background too...jeez. Thats just plain fricking nuts. Plus the professor is some canadian guy who, from what I have heard so far, is a pain in the ass.

Flash, this time have to make a game. That's what I am assuming. Don't have much more information than that so can't rant about it. Lucky readers.
Same goes for ARCS. I still don't know what's the full form for that, and I don't really care. Some report writing event hosting stuff I guess.

Programming. Yet another e-commerce website in PHP. But you know something. I am not afraid here. Because, I am going to break my head making a beautiful design, making a rough framework of the code...and then paying my junior to make the damn code work. Oh yeah.
...
the guy has done a bachelor's in IT. He loves this stuff. I am doing him a favor. Don't judge me. PHP is never going to have importance in my life.

And last but not least, video. Have to make a surreal experimental video this time, with hopefully a theme of my choosing but that's just too much wishful thinking.

All in all, 5 subjects.

I wonder which is the lesser of two evils here... to stay back here in the comfort of my home and whine about the people over and over...or to go there and challenge myself yet again to not get stressed enough that I start growing gray hairs.


One plus point though, I got a new laptop, after its own fair share of screwups. Regardless, this laptop is pretty ok, I can use it as a work laptop while I keep my old one strictly for downloads, chatting online, blogging, watching movies, listening to music, reading naughty comic books...oh yes, naughty comic books, they are hilarious and they turn me on at the same time...I have stopped getting paranoid of getting turned on by a cartoon.

Another plus point, well I guess it could be a plus or a minus depending on how you view it. I started having this inner monologue going in my head now and I can't seem to stop it. It just happens, like right now, I am feeling a little hot. I can actually hear my own voice in my head saying, "mmhmm, I am feeling a little hot. I wonder if I should get up and switch the fan on, or do the easier thing and shed my clothes off"
And of course this monologue is backed up with visuals too.
Its as if I drift off to an alternate reality where I shed my clothes off and stand in a superman pose and giving a nice colgate smile, and then I snap back to our reality.

It bothered me the first two or three days but then I sort of got used to it and eventually began to enjoy it. Specially because I started chopping people's heads with chainsaws, or making them stand at one spot near a tree and then speedily chopping the tree in a way that it falls on them.
The first of these visions happened when I was stuck in traffic... I just got out of my car, went ahead near the bumper of the car in front of me, cupped my hands together and as I did that there was lightning and thunder in the sky as I slowly started to glow and everything got silent and my words echoed with crystal clarity, "kaaaameeeehaaameeeehaaaaaaaa!"

And with that I shoved my palms forward, still cupped together, and a wave of plasma energy burst out vaporizing the car in front of me and the fifty others in that line, thus clearing the entire road.

I really enjoyed that.

I can't wait to go back to college. There is definitely going to be a moment where I turn into a hulk and pound someone to the ground. Ah, fantasies.

Btw, for those who didn't realize...that scream was from Dragonball Z...you should really watch some TV.


Finally, I have to leave tomorrow night. Yesterday I felt sad. Very upset. I spent the entire night looking at pictures of me with my family, right from babyhood to childhood to teenhood to adulthood.
I realized a lot of things. I love my family, and no matter what I do, parents will always make you feel a little guilty if you have been rude to them or mean to them. They won't say a word, and eventually their love for you will make you feel extremely guilty. I guess that's one of the perks of being a parent. Mm.


Also, I look horrible as a teen... my god, that is a horrible looking hairstyle. It looks soooo...neat. You can't have neat hair. Neat hair is extremely nerdlike. You just HAVE to have a little messy hair. What was I thinking.
And thank the lords I have a mustache, because I would never be taken seriously if I didn't. I look like one of the guys whom you can easily take advantage on. I can't make an angry stern face with no mustache, it would look funny rather than scary.

Jeez.

On a side note, I had 16 gulab jamuns. In my defense, they were very small and I don't get them in Singapore...well they don't taste the same there.


There is one last thing I wanted to discuss...something personal. But I am still in perpetual doubt over this issue...this one issue that has been nagging me ever since I left, and it can't be discussed here in detail as of yet.
All I can reveal is, so far I have gotten everything I ever wanted.
My parents gave everything to me, and in the certain cases they wouldn't, I cribbed and got up and got it myself. Either way, I have gotten everything, either from someone else or getting it myself.
So what do I do when I want something that my parents can't give and something that I tried my level best to get but still...still didn't receive it. How long will I keep trying before I am doomed to accept the fact that "you just can't get everything you want"


Yea, it had to end on this miserable note because all the frustration you saw was planned days ago, all the nice stuff you read was planned hours ago, and the tinge of sadness came minutes ago when a certain song came up on my playlist.


I just have one thing left to say... I came here for two weeks. I hated some days, I loved some days. And now, when the time is coming to go back...I can honestly say I wish I had more time here. Just a little bit more time. There is a couple of unfinished business that I wanted to deal with.
More importantly, there is a person I wanted to see, but didn't. The timings never matched and now I am not sure when I will get a chance to meet again. Next semester will be internship, so I will probably not be coming next vacation on account of running around for interviews.

The final conclusion is this... I came here upset, and I am leaving from here upset, of course, upset with 7 kilos added to my waistline but nonetheless...upset.

...
I completely forgot about the baby fantasies...oh well, a tale for another day.
Goodnight all.

Next post will be when I am back in Singapore.